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Why? Why do I love this?
I hate that it's my go to box set. Breaking Bad's finished? Walking Dead mid season break? Oh well, nothing to watch, better crack open the old shoe box and wade through 6 seasons of this consumerist, product placement whore of a bull crap show! (My box set is in the shape of a shoe box I found in a pawn shop for £10 almost a decade ago. You know, cos it's aimed at women!) I'm 16 and telling my boyfriend this show is beautifully written and well directed. Now 28, this is the first time I've watched the whole thing from start to finish in one lump. I'd like to point out that 16 year old me knows nothing. SERIOUSLY nothing! Maybe its just cos we've been spoiled with such good writing over the years, or maybe it's just cos this show actually sucks balls! It's not clever, it's not funny, it's certainly not relatable, not to anyone I know at least. I've known writers in London who can barely afford a cupboard to live in while they ration their weekly pasta allowance. How does someone who writes a single column for a fucking local newspaper afford to eat out 3 times a day in her $400 Manolo's? A common question asked by many. One of my favourite amateur dialogue moments: CARRIE: "Have you met blah blah, she works in TV". GUY: "Cool, I love TV!" Erm...... yeah. I wasn't surprised to find out they went through 4 different actors in the episode "Escape From New York". Alec Baldwin, George Clooney, and Warren Beatty all turned down the celebrity cameo role. In the end they settled for Matthew McConaughey, (cos he's done................................ stuff.) A poor execution of the "I'm a wealthy, big headed, fame thirsty celebrity who's gonna be a judgemental dick towards you tiny industry people". Not quite as well constructed as Matt LeBlanc's character in "Episodes", but hey, at least they tried. And the movies. Oh, the movies! Not one, but two piece of shit movies came out of this. The first movie: They break up + they get back together = Pointless! And the second: She kisses her ex + he doesn't really give a shit = Pointless! I completely agree with Mark Kermode "If you watched the first one, the second one is your fault!" And you know what? It's absolutely my fault! I am just as much to blame. This show is aimed at all powerful successful women, is it fuck! I'll tell you why women love this horse shit, cos it's fantasy! We eat up this mountain of mind numbing drivel cos it's what we all desire, no work for a fuck load of cash and sex on the doorstep with the type of men we can only think about while fucking our significant others. I am a guilty sheep. This show is crack. It's bad and you know it's bad. But once it's in your system, fuck it, you know you want more! Another enjoyable evening down at my writers association, and the theme was flash fiction. Never attempted this before, but I got to say, it was fun, and actually harder than I thought.
For those unfamiliar with the concept, flash fiction is a self contained story under 1000 words (or so we were aiming for). Some famous examples read out tonight: For sale: baby shoes, never worn. - Ernest Hemmingway Longed for him. Got him. Shit. - Margaret Atwood Machine. Unexpectedly, I’d invented a time - Alan Moore Cut out all the waffle and you're left with... hopefully an effective impact. I went for the "twist ending", which a lot of people did, and personally this was way more effective. And a cute addition to my portfolio! Mid point we were set an "impromptu flash fiction" task; write for 1 minute, and every few seconds random words were thrown at us and we had to fit them in to whatever we were writing. The words were: Saffron Blue Lightening Sewage Lemon So here is my 1 minute impromptu flash fiction: "He's dead! Why is he dead?" "I don't know! Cos he's dead?" "Was it the saffron?" "Nah, probably the cyanide, you complete and utter cretin!" "I didn't know it was cyanide! Is cyanide blue?" "I don't fucking know! Why the fuck are you asking me that?" A gash of lightening beams past the window, illuminating the massacre of body parts floating in a pile of rotting sewage. "Shall we just... dig it out?" "Dig it out? You're a lemon, you know that?" "A lemon? "Yeah, a bitter, rotting, moronic piece of lemon." What was interesting, this got a much bigger reaction than my prepared piece. That's art for you. Watch, then read...................................... The comments suggest a portrayal of perfection and how we fuck it all up, other sources say it's a metaphor for the involvement of the US in the Vietnam war (which is probably more likely considering the time it was made). Personally I just think it's one bad ass piece of cinema!
I love how perfect the opening shots are. "In case you didn't know, this film is set in a bathroom." Was it just me, or did anyone else feel slightly uncomfortable by the end? "Look at me, aren't I beautiful!" The more blood the sicker I felt. But isn't that the point? A lasting impression. It's memorable, I'm certainly not going to forget it. And how thick is that blood! You can almost taste it. Really sinks your teeth in. I love that the person responsible gets a credit, and even the bathroom guy. Is that the set designer? Or the person whose house they hired out? Or was it just the cleaner they paid to scrub the place down after shooting? I can imagine the conversation "Hi, I'm here to clean the bathroom", "yes, ignore the blood, I was just filming my mate shaving half his face off." Whatever this is, I certainly enjoyed it. I felt sick and cringed for half the film, but it was totally worth it. A perfect introduction to Scorcese back then and now, I'm sure. An inspiration to my writing career (and I'm sure to many others), Steven Moffat is truly one of the most beautifully diverse, unique writers of this generation. Dating back to his BBC sitcom Coupling, the episode "Split" inspired my latest play Battle Of The Exes: When Moffat arrived in Doctor Who from "The Eleventh Hour" the whole Smith and Pond section was what got me hooked. The whole River Song story Arc was utter genius! My favourite storyline thus far. One hell of a mind fuck, but on the plus side, ONE HELL OF A MIND FUCK! To write on that level with a million story lines intertwining must take years of TLC. Coupling was just as clever for what it was, an obvious kick starter, and now I can see it's rubbed off in Sherlock. Respect for you, Moffat, A LOT of respect. It will be sad to see you go, especially after you introduced Capaldi so beautifully. But I'm not worried. I'm interested to see what the next head writer has to offer. I listened to UKScriptwriters podcast interview with Chris Chibnall, new head writer for Doctor who. Listen to it here: If he's written for Torchwood and Life On Mars I'm not at all worried. And Broadchurch was his first spec script? Erm........ I'm expecting magic to happen, Chibnall. And who is your agent?
I saw on facebook they're closing down the BA(Hons) Music Composition course I did at Coventry University, along with the performance and other music courses. Yes, this sucks, and of course I signed the petition. But reading a few comments got me thinking. The girl who posted it is now a pretty successful freelance artist. Of course she was devastated as was I, but the term "freelance" means independent, a lone ranger. In any creative industry I've learned you want to work? You make the work! It's not going to find you! A degree is supposed to be a useful qualification to help you gain employment, right? Well...you want to be a musician? A painter? An actress? You're not going to find that 9-5 steady income job you were hoping for. You can forget singing Dolly Parton and saying all that "the words just speak to me" bullshit. Unless you want to teach, (which I'm not berating, I know there are plenty of people who enjoy it) let's face it, unless you live in London and are best friends with Simon Cowell there's not much else this country has to offer. After I graduated, set free into this glorious world of opportunity, I realised there was no opportunity at all. Record labels, theatre companies, operatic societies, no one was interested I had a degree in composition. It means nothing! It's really just an excuse to keep the creative side of your brain active for 3 years, when really it could have been spent networking and gigging every weekend. Because we all know, in this industry, it's certainly not about what you know, it's about who you know. And you know what makes me angry? I worked my ass off during my uni period. During my third year I don't think I slept. And not because I was out on the lash, because I was working! But was it a waste of time? Absolutely not! While I may seem biased, I did learn a hell of lot from that course. I consider myself way more technically challenged, and my musicality has broadened epically. Simple things like to transpose your key up a tone, ascend chromatically and use the dominant 7th and voila! A more satisfactory transposition. I wouldn't have known this technique if it wasn't for my amazing and highly supportive lecturers. Bob Ramskill (a musical legend who delivered countless arrangements featured on BBC'S Songs Of Praise and the like) taught me how to arrange. Any cover is an arrangement. We arranged orchestral ensembles and were given professional musicians to perform them, a fantastic opportunity and experience for any aspiring composer. This is not something you can just do any day, let alone pay for out of your own pocket. So in that sense, the opportunities and experience allowed us to grow as musicians, not to mention build our local network. If it wasn't for the deadlines I wouldn't have pushed myself to produce my first stage production, and probably wouldn't wouldn't have ended up as a writer. So yes, I am very sad to see them pull the plug on these courses. I feel sorry for the other thousands of other aspiring musicians out there who won't get to these opportunities and expand their musical knowledge. But at the same time, don't let it put you off. For creative artists, an education isn't everything. Get out there, expand your network, make a name for yourself, and most importantly, CREATE CREATE CREATE!!! Don't write a song, write 100 songs. Don't produce 1 short film and expect a call from Scorsese. Make 100 short films, write 100 scripts, enter competitions, festivals, charity events, or just showcase your work at a local pub (at least it's getting public exposure), get an agent, get a manager, move to LA, London, Manchester, Florida, just get yourself out there! Do stuff, then do a hell of a lot more of it! |
AuthorWell... I'm human just like the rest of you. But I suppose you're not all a woman approaching 30. Archives
January 2017
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